Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. (Dr. Seuss).
As our teens step into their teenage years and beyond, it’s natural for us as parents to ask ourselves, “Do I still matter?” With the start of a new school year, we are reminded of how quickly they’re growing. Each year, our teens become more independent, and their desire to assert that independence often conflicts with our instinct to parent and protect them. It’s easy to feel sidelined and question our relevance in their lives. Afterall, we can all agree that our toddler always needed us. Who else would help them find their shoes? All that changes as our children grow, and it is all for the best.
Teens are “super-learners.” Their brains are absorbing new information at a rapid pace, constantly adapting and reshaping based on new experiences. This period of intense cognitive growth means they’re actively seeking out opportunities to push boundaries and test the limits of what they know. It’s a thrilling time of exploration and discovery, not just academically but socially and emotionally as well. Teen’s also like to break rules as they test what is socially acceptable. Now more than ever discussing consequences prior to a situation is beneficial.
Despite appearances, teens care deeply about their parents’ well-being and value our input as they form their own opinions. They might not always show it. After all, every teen has a great eye roll. However, our guidance and support are crucial as they navigate this complex stage of life. They are passionate, thoughtful, and idealistic, striving to carve out their own identities while still needing the safety net that we provide. It is a delicate balance as teens push parents away as they try to prove they can stand on their own. When they push away, it doesn’t always feel good. But it’s only temporary as they’re preparing to navigate the world, trying to convince themselves they don’t need us, even though they know they do.
A common myth is that teens don’t care what their parents think. However, research and my personal experience tells a different story. Parents remain the most influential force in their teens’ lives, even as they increasingly seek acceptance from their peers. Our teens are listening and observing, often more than we realize. They don’t want to be controlled, but they do seek wisdom, particularly wisdom gained through our life experiences and rooted in a deep care for their well-being. However, when we share that wisdom it must be communicated and given at the right time. That is still an art I am trying to master.
Another myth is that teens believe they are invincible. While they might take risks and test limits, they are also acutely aware of their vulnerabilities. They want guidance that is empathetic and grounded in genuine concern for their safety and happiness. It’s crucial for us to recognize that beneath their tough exterior, they are still figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world. We want to foster and build their self esteem.
So, how do we stay connected with our teens during these transformative years? It starts with small, consistent efforts to maintain open lines of communication. Here are a few strategies I have used over the years.
Say “good night” no matter how busy or chaotic the day has been. Taking a moment to with them good night is a simple yet powerful gesture. It reassures your teen that you are there for them, providing a sense of security and stability. It is amazing what your teen will share in the dark of the bedroom when they do not feel the judging eyes of their parents.
Check In regularly. Make it a habit to check in with your teen about their day, their feelings, and their concerns. These check-ins don’t have to be formal or lengthy. A quick chat over dinner or a casual conversation during a car ride can make a significant difference. Let your teen share as much or as little as they want.
Finally, create space for conversations. Ensure that there’s always space for your teen to talk to you. This might mean setting aside specific times for one-on-one conversations or simply being available when they need to talk. The key is to be present and attentive, showing them that their thoughts and feelings matter to you. Communication is the relationship.
While your teen is eager to identify with their peers, your role remains vital. Always say good night, check in with them, and make sure you create and hold the space for your teen to talk to you. These small actions reinforce that you are there for them, ready to offer support, wisdom, and unconditional love. Remember, even as they grow and change, your influence as a parent is irreplaceable. You still matter, and you always will.