The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
– Peggy O’Mara
As a life coach, one of the opportunities I have is that of providing new communication tools for parents. As our children grow we have to speak and respond to them differently. Our teenagers no longer respond to “being told what to do”, or telling them, “what a wonderful life they have in comparison to you or anyone else”. Each teenager’s experience is unique to them, and how they respond to it is also unique to them. We as parents may have had a similar experience and want to offer advice and then to move on with our day. However, for your stressed-out teenager that is not what they want. Your teenager does not want to be told what to do, how to feel and to have what they are experiencing minimized. I can certainly share that when I am experiencing stress in my life, I don’t want to be told a solution or to have what I am feeling minimized. I don’t think anyone does. So what can you do for your teen.
Listen to your teen. How do you start that conversation with your teen? Ask your teen, “Do you want to talk about it?” I know sometimes we get that blank stare, which is the signal of no I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t take it personally. It may be coming back later to find your teen sitting on their bed or staring blankly at their computer screen. Sometimes it is just being present. Sitting in silence with your teen. Do not search for what you want to talk about, your hidden agenda, or offer advice. Just be. If your teen starts to share, listen. Be curious about what your teenager is telling you. Ask a question, or encourage your teen to work through the problem and their emotions. A powerful question is, ‘how did that make you feel?” or “what is a solution you can think of?” . Teenagers are developing critical thinking and also trying to discover who they are and what they want to do in their life. As a parent, by facilitating the discussion, asking the curious questions and having your teenager explain and clarify what it is creating the stress and what are the solutions you are helping them to find solutions and coping mechanisms. The outcome is increased resilience and an increase in self-confidence as your teen realizes that they can work through this stressful situation and they have their parent as an ally; helping them to develop the skills they will need as an adult.
Take the time to listen. It demonstrates your acceptance of your teenager and their thoughts. As a parent it is so important to take the time to listen with the desire to understand.