Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.
(William James).
In today’s world, where the constant hum of notifications and the allure of endless scrolling dominate our lives, it’s easy to overlook the value of quiet, unremarkable moments. These moments, which I like to call the “boring bits,” are often edited out of our day-to-day interactions as we seek constant stimulation. Yet, the boring bits are not just important; they are essential—especially in our relationships with our teens.
Think back to a time before smartphones, social media, and the constant demand for our attention. Those quieter moments—waiting in line, sitting on a porch, or even enduring a lull in conversation—were opportunities to reflect, connect, and just be present. Today, both teens and adults have become conditioned to fill every gap with a quick glance at a phone or a swipe through a feed. But in doing so, we risk losing something irreplaceable: the chance to connect deeply and authentically with the people around us, especially our children.
For parents, the boring bits in conversations with your teen might feel mundane. They’re recounting the plot of a show you’ve never seen, talking about a meme you don’t understand, or sharing a play-by-play of their lunchroom drama. It’s tempting to nod along while simultaneously checking your email or responding to a text. But these seemingly inconsequential moments often hold the key to deeper connections. Hidden in what may feel trivial to you is something significant to your teen. They’re sharing a piece of their world, their perspective, and sometimes even their vulnerabilities. If we’re too distracted to notice, we miss the opportunity to build trust, show genuine interest, and strengthen the bond with our teen.
When you’re not fully present, your teen can sense it. A distracted nod or a half-hearted “Uh-huh” sends a message—intentional or not—that what they’re saying doesn’t matter. Over time, this erosion of attention can lead to an erosion of trust. Your teen may stop coming to you with their thoughts, feelings, or concerns, assuming you’re too busy or uninterested. This breakdown in communication can be subtle at first but can have lasting effects on your relationship.
On the other hand, choosing to embrace the boring bits—to lean in, listen intently, and engage—can transform these moments into opportunities for connection. When your teen talks, be curious. Ask questions that show you’re invested in their story. Pay attention to their body language and the inflections in their voice. These small efforts convey respect, love, and a willingness to understand their world. Even if the conversation starts slow, staying present allows it to evolve naturally. What begins as a mundane story about their day might lead to a heartfelt confession, a question they’ve been hesitant to ask, or an opportunity for you to offer guidance and support.
It’s important to remember that teens, like all of us, crave validation and connection. They want to feel seen and heard, especially by their parents. By giving them your undivided attention—even during the boring bits—you’re affirming their worth and strengthening your relationship. These moments, while seemingly small, lay the foundation for trust and open communication.
Of course, this requires effort and intention. In a world designed to distract us, it takes discipline to put the phone down and resist the urge to multitask. But the rewards are worth it. Think of it this way: every time you choose to stay present during a conversation with your teen, you’re making a deposit in the bank of your relationship. These investments add up, creating a reservoir of trust and connection that will sustain you both through the challenges and complexities of the teenage years.
It’s also worth considering how your behavior influences your teen’s habits. If they see you constantly reaching for your phone during conversations, they’re likely to do the same. On the flip side, modeling focused, intentional listening teaches them the value of presence and respect in communication. This is a skill that will serve them well in all areas of life, from friendships to future careers.
The boring bits aren’t just about listening; they’re also about creating space for meaningful exchanges. In our fast-paced lives, we often rush from one task to the next, leaving little room for unstructured, organic conversations. But these unscripted moments are where connection happens. They’re where your teen feels safe enough to open up, knowing you’re fully there with them.
So how can we embrace the boring bits and make the most of these moments? Here are a few strategies:
1. Set aside distractions. Create phone-free zones or times during the day, especially during meals or car rides. These moments can become opportunities for genuine conversation without the interference of technology.
2. Practice active listening. Show your teen you’re engaged by making eye contact, nodding, and responding thoughtfully. Reflect back what they’ve said to ensure you understand and to show you’re paying attention.
3. Ask open-ended questions. Encourage your teen to share more by asking questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. For example, “What was the best part of your day?” or “How did that make you feel?”
4. Be patient with lulls. Silence in a conversation isn’t a bad thing. Resist the urge to fill it with chatter or distractions. Sometimes, it’s in these pauses that your teen gathers their thoughts and shares something meaningful.
5. Reflect on your own habits. Pay attention to when and why you reach for your phone or tune out during conversations. Are you seeking stimulation? Escaping discomfort? Understanding your triggers can help you stay present.
6. Value the small stuff. Even if what your teen is sharing doesn’t seem significant to you, remember that it’s important to them. Treat their interests and experiences with the same respect and attention you’d want for your own.
By embracing the boring bits, you’re not just improving your relationship with your teen—you’re also modeling the kind of presence and attention that fosters healthy communication and connection. These moments remind us that relationships aren’t built in grand gestures but in the small, everyday interactions that show we care.
Ultimately, the boring bits aren’t boring at all. They’re the moments that matter most, the moments where trust is built, and love is expressed. So the next time you find yourself tempted to tune out during a slow conversation with your teen, take a deep breath, put the phone away, and lean in. You never know where the conversation might lead—and what you might discover about your teen and yourself along the way.