Fierce conversations may not always be easy, but they are essential. (Desiree Panlilio).
There is always that burning question we want to ask our teen as a parent. We want to know the answer because of what we see on TV, hear from other parents, and read in the news. All of our questions keep us up at night. The question burns below the surface and then, at an inopportune moment, during a difference of opinion, we blurt it out. We ask the question—whether it be about drugs, sex, cheating on homework, or any other serious topic—and often, the timing couldn’t be worse. But should we be blurting out these questions at the wrong moment, or could we and should we be able to have that conversation with our teen in a way that fosters openness and trust?
I am going to push for having that uncomfortable conversation, that “fierce” conversation, with your teen when you are both able to engage and give the topic the respect it deserves. The reality is, these are necessary discussions, and while they may be difficult, they can also strengthen your relationship and reinforce the values you hold dear as a family.
The biggest challenge for parents is often knowing how to start the conversation. In truth, the best way is by simply asking to have that conversation. Have you ever said to your teen, “I am hearing/reading/seeing (fill in the blank) on (fill in the blank). Can we talk about it?” This simple approach does several things. First, it acknowledges that you are paying attention to the world around you and the concerns that arise from it. Second, it gives your teen a heads-up that you want to discuss something meaningful. Finally, it opens the door for dialogue instead of shutting it down with an abrupt or accusatory question.
Sharing your concerns and even your irrational fears as a parent is an important part of these discussions. Let your teen know why this particular topic matters to you. Perhaps it is because of the values you hold or the expectations you have set within your family. Maybe it stems from personal experience or a deep desire to see them make choices that will benefit their future. Whatever the reason, explaining your motivation allows your teen to see that your concern is coming from a place of love rather than control.
These conversations are not about lectures on how things should be or how they were when you were a teenager. They should be focused on where you are emotionally as a parent and what your expectations are moving forward. The key is to ensure that your teen feels heard and respected in the conversation. Avoid the temptation to dominate the discussion or provide a lengthy monologue on your own experiences. Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage your teen to share their thoughts and opinions.
Timing is crucial when initiating these discussions. If your teen is upset, distracted, or in the middle of something important, it is not the time to bring up a sensitive topic. Instead, look for moments when you both are relaxed, such as during a car ride, after dinner, or when you’re spending time together in a low-pressure environment. Creating a judgment-free space where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts, even when they differ from yours, is essential.
If your teen is hesitant to talk, that’s okay. Some teens need time to process their thoughts before they respond. Let them know you are available and willing to listen whenever they are ready. Be patient. Forcing a conversation will likely result in defensiveness, while allowing space can lead to a more honest and productive discussion later.
One of the most powerful things you can do during these conversations is to acknowledge your own vulnerabilities. Admitting that you don’t have all the answers and that you, too, are navigating this parenting journey in real-time can help bridge the gap between you and your teen. It shows them that you respect their perspective and that you are not just dictating rules but genuinely trying to understand and guide them.
It is also important to validate their experiences and emotions. If your teen shares something that surprises you or that you strongly disagree with, resist the urge to react immediately. Instead, take a breath and listen. Respond with empathy and curiosity. Statements like, “I appreciate you sharing that with me” or “That must be difficult for you” can go a long way in making them feel safe to continue the discussion.
These conversations also provide an opportunity to reinforce your family’s values in a way that resonates with your teen. Instead of simply stating, “This is wrong,” try explaining why you believe what you do. Help them understand the reasoning behind your expectations and allow them to express their own viewpoints as well. Even if you don’t agree on everything, the act of having an open discussion strengthens your relationship and teaches them how to think critically about important issues.
Remember, the goal of these conversations is not to dictate or control but to guide and support. Teens are in a phase of their lives where they are forming their own identities and beliefs. The more you foster open and respectful discussions, the more likely they are to turn to you when they need guidance in the future.
If a conversation doesn’t go as planned, don’t be discouraged. Not every discussion will end with a perfect resolution or agreement. What matters is that your teen knows you are a safe space where they can express themselves without fear of judgment or immediate consequences. Even if they resist at first, your willingness to listen and engage will plant the seed for future conversations.
Finally, be prepared to revisit these discussions as your teen grows and their perspectives evolve. One conversation is not enough. Ongoing dialogue is necessary to maintain a strong connection and ensure that your teen feels supported as they navigate life’s challenges.
These fierce conversations may not always be easy, but they are essential. They show your teen that you care, that you are willing to engage with them on tough topics, and that your relationship is built on trust and respect. So the next time you feel that burning question rising to the surface, take a moment to consider how and when to bring it up. Approach it with openness, patience, and a genuine desire to understand your teen’s world. The result will be a stronger, more meaningful relationship that will serve both of you well in the years to come.