As parents we must listen more than we lecture. (Desiree Panlilio).
It seems like just yesterday I was helping our youngest find her shoe or dress up as Ariel from The Little Mermaid so we could go grocery shopping. Now, that little girl is grown and making decisions about her life, charting her own course with increasing independence. As a parent, I have found myself transitioning from the driver’s seat to the backseat, offering my wisdom, my thoughts, and, at times, still falling into the habit of lecturing. However, as our children grow, the urge to lecture has to give way to the need to listen. It is a shift that can be challenging but is essential in helping our teens develop their own values, decision-making processes, and sense of accountability.
The key to fostering a strong and trusting relationship with our teens is to listen more than we lecture. This means creating a judgment-free space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, even when those thoughts differ from our own. Our goal as parents is to guide our teens from dependence to independence, allowing them to become their own person and make choices that affect their lives. It can be tempting to step in with advice, to explain how things should be done based on our own experiences, but what worked for us may not be the best path for our teen. Instead, we need to pause, truly listen, and seek to understand what our teen is expressing.
Listening is more than just hearing words. It is about being fully present, setting aside distractions, and giving our teen the space to share their thoughts without fear of immediate criticism or correction. When we listen with curiosity and engagement, we communicate to our teen that their voice matters, that their perspective is valued, and that we are invested in their journey. If we fail to provide this space, they will seek it elsewhere—whether with friends, online, or in places where the guidance they receive may not align with our values.
So, what does listening without lecturing look like in practice? The first and most important step is to put down electronic devices when your teen wants to talk. Look at them. Listen not just to their words but also to their tone and body language. Make an effort to understand what they are experiencing at that moment. It is about engaging in active listening, which requires us to center our thoughts on them, ask thoughtful questions, and respond in ways that encourage deeper conversation rather than shutting it down with immediate solutions or judgments.
This shift from parent to mentor and coach is invaluable in helping our teens build independence and confidence. When we listen with the intent to understand rather than the intent to reply, we create an environment where our teen feels safe coming to us, whether they are facing big decisions or small everyday challenges. The more we embrace this role, the more we empower them to navigate life with resilience and self-awareness, knowing they have our support without fear of constant correction.
Parenting is not about controlling every step our teen takes, but about preparing them for the world outside our home. By listening, engaging, and guiding rather than lecturing, we strengthen our relationship with our teen and help them develop the skills they need to thrive. So the next time your teen wants to talk, take a moment to pause, focus on them, and embrace the opportunity to truly hear them. The reward is a deeper connection and a teen who knows they can always turn to you, not just for advice, but for understanding and support.