Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. (Charles R. Swindoll).
Parenting teens is a dynamic, sometimes daunting journey—one that requires us to equip our children with the tools to navigate an unpredictable and often chaotic world. We want to teach them resilience, empathy, and adaptability, all of which are critical life skills in a world that can feel overwhelming. But one of the most essential skills we can help them develop is the art of responding well. Too often, we let emotions drive our reactions, which can escalate situations unnecessarily. Yet, if we can model for our teens how to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, we empower them with an invaluable skill. In the end, it’s not the mistake or what someone else does that affects us most, but rather how we respond to these moments that shapes our experiences and, ultimately, our lives.
Helping teens understand that their response holds power can be transformative. As parents, we know how easy it is to let emotions lead. Stressful moments, frustration, or a flash of anger can sometimes dictate our words or actions. The same is true for teens, who are often navigating an emotional landscape without the years of experience that we have as adults. Their brains are still developing, and their emotional regulation isn’t fully formed, which can lead to impulsive or dramatic reactions. But when we take a step back and help them understand that they have the choice to pause, to evaluate, and to respond calmly, we’re helping them unlock a kind of control over their lives they may not have realized was possible. In essence, we’re guiding them to see that while they can’t always control what happens, they can always choose how to respond.
The first step in teaching this skill is modeling it ourselves. When we handle situations thoughtfully, our teens notice. For example, if we encounter a frustrating situation—say, a conflict with a coworker or an unexpected delay in plans—we have a choice in how we respond. Do we let anger and frustration take over, or do we take a moment to breathe and choose a response that aligns with our values? When we react with grace and poise, even in frustrating circumstances, we show our teens that thoughtful responses are possible and powerful. Through these everyday actions, we communicate to them that their response is within their control, no matter how unpredictable the world may be around them.
This idea is especially helpful when it comes to conflicts with peers. The teen years are a time when social dynamics are intense, and friendships are deeply felt. A single argument or misunderstanding can feel catastrophic, and teens often respond impulsively—whether by lashing out or retreating entirely. If we can show them that they have the choice to pause before responding, we’re helping them navigate these difficult moments with maturity and confidence. Instead of reacting with anger or fear, they can take a moment to think about what they want to achieve from the situation. Maybe they want to repair the friendship, or perhaps they need to establish a boundary. Whatever the case, responding thoughtfully allows them to take control, rather than being swept away by the emotional tide of the moment.
One of the ways to instill this idea is to remind teens that not every situation is life-threatening. Our fight-or-flight instinct, a valuable survival mechanism, can sometimes kick in at the wrong times, especially in emotionally charged situations. It’s a natural response, but one that we can learn to override when there’s no real threat to our safety. By teaching teens to pause and evaluate the true nature of a situation, they begin to see that they have time to make a measured choice. They start to understand that it’s not necessary to jump into “defense mode” for every conflict or setback. Instead, they learn to approach situations with a sense of calm curiosity, asking themselves, “What is really at stake here?” and “How do I want to handle this?”
In fact, by managing our responses thoughtfully, we often change the outcome of the situation itself. Think about a time when you received a harsh email or message. It’s easy to feel hurt or angry, but if you take a moment to consider a calm, composed response, the outcome is almost always better than if you had fired back impulsively. The same principle applies to our teens. When they learn to manage their responses, they begin to see that they have the ability to de-escalate situations. Instead of getting caught in a cycle of conflict, they can shift the tone, creating a resolution where there might have been an ongoing issue. They start to see that they can navigate through even challenging interactions without holding onto grudges or bitterness, which only weigh them down in the long run.
Teaching teens that their response shapes their experience also gives them a sense of empowerment and agency. The teenage years are often marked by a feeling of limited control—over school, over rules, and sometimes even over their emotions. But by helping them see that they can control their responses, we’re helping them realize they’re not powerless. We’re showing them that, no matter the circumstance, they have the final say in how they’ll handle it. This lesson can be a powerful antidote to feelings of helplessness or victimhood, helping them see that they’re in charge of how they feel, act, and think.
In practice, helping teens develop this skill means creating a safe space to talk about their feelings and responses. When they come to us with a problem—be it a fight with a friend, a disappointing grade, or a challenging experience on social media—our first instinct might be to give advice or try to “fix” the problem. But what if, instead, we asked questions that help them think through their options? We might ask, “How did that situation make you feel?” or “What do you think would make things better?” By giving them the chance to process their emotions and consider various responses, we’re helping them understand that they don’t have to react immediately. They can pause, consider, and then choose the best course of action.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that teens should suppress their emotions. Emotions are natural and valuable; they’re signals that something matters to us. Teaching thoughtful responses isn’t about ignoring or dismissing feelings but about learning to acknowledge them without letting them dictate our actions. We can teach teens to recognize their emotions, name them, and then decide how best to respond. This approach can be especially helpful in moments of conflict or disappointment, where strong emotions can cloud their judgment. By giving teens the tools to process their feelings first, we’re helping them make choices that align with their long-term values and goals.
For example, let’s say your teen is upset about a low grade on an important test. Instead of immediately reacting with frustration or self-criticism, they can take a moment to feel their disappointment. Once they’ve acknowledged that feeling, they’re in a better position to think about their response. They might decide to talk with the teacher, seek extra help, or plan a new study strategy. This approach helps them see that a setback doesn’t define them, and that their response is what truly matters in shaping their future experiences.
Encouraging this skill also helps teens learn how to let go of bitterness and avoid holding grudges. When they can look at a situation from a place of calm, they’re less likely to hold onto anger or resentment. This is an invaluable skill in maintaining healthy relationships and cultivating inner peace. Bitterness and grudges only serve to weigh them down, keeping them tied to past hurts instead of moving forward. By teaching them how to process and release these feelings, we’re helping them stay focused on growth and progress, rather than becoming stuck in the past.
As parents, it’s natural to want to shield our teens from hurt or hardship. But the reality is that life will present them with challenges, disappointments, and conflicts. What we can do is prepare them to handle these moments with wisdom and maturity. By teaching them that their response holds the power, we’re equipping them with a tool they can use no matter what comes their way. We’re showing them that while they may not control every event in life, they can always control their approach to it.
This perspective is liberating for both parents and teens. For parents, it’s a reminder that we don’t have to fix every problem. Our role is to guide, to model, and to encourage thoughtful reflection, allowing our teens the space to learn and grow from each experience. And for teens, it’s a source of strength—a reminder that they have agency in their lives and that their actions, not their circumstances, will shape their path forward.
In the end, we’re teaching them how to respond to life, not just to react to it. We’re helping them develop the skills they’ll need to navigate relationships, setbacks, and challenges with grace and resilience. And perhaps most importantly, we’re empowering them to move through life with a sense of peace and purpose, knowing that they have the power to choose their response, no matter what unfolds around them. This skill, once developed, will serve them throughout their lives, enabling them to face whatever comes with clarity, strength, and confidence.