“Hurdles—temporary obstacles that require us to pause, reflect, and decide our next move..” (Desiree Panlilio).
As parents, we often set expectations for our teens, but just as often we forget to actually discuss those expectations with them. We assume they know what we want because we think it should be obvious. We assume they understand what “do your best,” “be responsible,” or “make good choices” means because those phrases make sense to us as adults. What we forget is that our teens are still learning how to translate expectations into action. Even more challenging, we sometimes do not share how to achieve these expectations or give our teens the room to build their own path toward meeting them. We want the outcome, but we skip the conversation that gets them there. A great opportunity is to ask your teen what it means to be “responsible” and “accountable”. Having this one discussion will open up conversation on what those words mean.
As parents, we often want to control the situation and control how expectations are achieved. This desire usually comes from a good place. We care deeply about our children’s success, safety, and future, and control can feel like protection. When our children were young, this level of control was not only appropriate but necessary. Expectations were small, concrete, and immediate, and we provided both the guidance and the execution to ensure success. We prepared our toddlers’ meals, making sure they were balanced and nutritious, and then we sat with them and watched them eat. We had an expectation that our toddler would eat the meal we lovingly created, but we were responsible for nearly every part of that expectation. We chose the food, prepared it, served it, and monitored the process. Success or failure rested almost entirely on us.
As our children grow, our expectations naturally change. Our expectations are supposed to grow and change, I know that letting go as a parent is difficult. We are not ready to see our teen struggle but that is when our teen is learning and growing. With growth comes increased responsibility, more independence, and greater complexity. We expect our teens to manage their time, complete their schoolwork, contribute to the household, regulate their emotions, and make thoughtful decisions. These expectations align with their developmental stage and prepare them for adulthood. This is good parenting, and it matters. The challenge is that while expectations evolve, our approach does not always evolve with them. We sometimes continue to operate as if we are still responsible for both the expectation and the execution, when in reality, our teens are meant to take ownership of the “how.”
What we often forget is that our teen is still learning how to meet expectations. They are practicing skills they have never fully mastered before. Time management, prioritization, motivation, self-discipline, problem-solving, and emotional regulation are not innate skills. They are learned through experience, guidance, and sometimes failure. As parents, we must be willing to slow down and clearly outline our expectations, then invite our teen into a conversation about how they are going to meet them. This shift—from telling to asking—is where growth happens.
When we sit down with our teen and clearly state an expectation, we give them clarity. When we then ask, “How do you plan to meet this expectation?” we give them ownership. This does not mean we remove boundaries or standards. It means we move from controlling the process to coaching it. Our role becomes one of guidance rather than management. This approach teaches our teens that expectations are not arbitrary rules imposed on them, but responsibilities they are capable of handling with support.
It is equally important that we are open to hearing our teen’s perspective, including the possibility that an expectation may not be reasonable. This can be uncomfortable for parents. We may interpret resistance as defiance or laziness, when in reality, our teen may be offering valuable insight into their current capacity. Teens are developing a deeper understanding of themselves—how they learn, what overwhelms them, what motivates them, and where they struggle. When we encourage our teens to share their thoughts about an expectation, we are not giving up authority. We are modeling healthy communication, critical thinking, and self-awareness.
Encouraging this insight also teaches teens an important life skill: advocating for themselves respectfully. In adulthood, they will need to communicate with professors, employers, and colleagues about workload, deadlines, and expectations. Learning how to say, “I want to meet this expectation, but I need to adjust the plan,” is a skill worth developing now, under our guidance, rather than later when the consequences are higher. If we are honest, as a parent, we are not planning on attending job interviews, performance reviews with our children, so we need to teach them to be advocates for themselves.
That said, there is an important word of caution. Sometimes a teen’s hesitation is not rooted in an unreasonable expectation but in discomfort. Growth often lives just outside the comfort zone, and teens, like adults, may avoid challenges that feel intimidating or unfamiliar. In those moments, our role shifts again. We are no longer negotiating the expectation, but encouraging, mentoring, and cheering them on as they stretch themselves. We help them break the expectation into manageable steps, remind them of past successes, and reassure them that discomfort is part of growth, not a sign of failure.
For example, consider a teen who is expected to maintain passing grades in all of their classes. This expectation is reasonable and developmentally appropriate. However, instead of simply stating, “You need to get your grades up,” a more effective approach is to sit down and clarify what that expectation looks like. What does “passing” mean? Which classes are currently a challenge? Then ask your teen how they plan to meet that expectation. They might suggest attending tutoring, meeting with a teacher, adjusting their study schedule, or limiting distractions during homework time. If they express concern that they are overwhelmed, that insight matters. It opens the door to problem-solving together rather than resorting to punishment or lectures.
Now imagine your teen resists the idea of asking for help because it feels uncomfortable or embarrassing. This is where encouragement matters. You can acknowledge the discomfort while reinforcing the expectation. You can remind them that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness, and that learning to advocate for themselves now will serve them well in the future. You become their coach, not their enforcer.
Teenagers want to please their parents. Despite the eye rolls, the silence, and the pushback, most teens deeply want their parents to be proud of them. They care about our approval more than they often let on. However, expectations cannot be shrouded in mystery. When expectations are vague or unspoken, teens are left guessing. Guessing leads to anxiety, avoidance, or disengagement. Clear expectations, paired with clear communication, create safety. They allow teens to know where they stand and what success looks like.
Clarity also allows for accountability. Once expectations are clearly stated and agreed upon, we can move into the phase of inspecting rather than assuming. Whether the expectation involves grades, chores, curfews, or responsibilities outside the home, inspection is not about micromanaging. It is about following through. It sends the message that expectations matter and that effort is noticed. Inspection can look like checking grades together weekly, reviewing a chore schedule, or having regular check-ins about progress toward a goal. These moments should be collaborative, not confrontational.
One of the most powerful lessons we can teach our teens is that expectations are not punishments; they are opportunities for growth. When teens understand why an expectation exists and feel supported in meeting it, they are more likely to engage. They begin to see expectations as tools that help them build competence and confidence. Over time, this approach fosters intrinsic motivation. Teens start holding themselves accountable not because they fear consequences, but because they value progress and self-respect.
This process also requires patience from parents. There will be missteps. Teens will miss deadlines, forget responsibilities, and make choices that fall short of expectations. These moments are not failures of parenting; they are part of learning. Our job is not to eliminate mistakes, but to help our teens reflect on them. Asking questions like, “What do you think got in the way?” or “What would you do differently next time?” encourages reflection and problem-solving. These conversations build resilience and prepare teens for adult life, where feedback and self-correction are essential.
As parents, we must also examine our own expectations. Are they realistic? Are they based on our teen’s current abilities, or on comparisons to siblings, peers, or our own experiences? Every teen develops at a different pace. Holding one teen to an expectation they are not yet equipped to meet can erode confidence and trust. Adjusting expectations is not lowering standards; it is aligning them with reality so growth is possible.
At the same time, we should not shy away from expectations simply because they are challenging. Teens grow when they are challenged and supported simultaneously. The balance between support and accountability is where meaningful development occurs. When we communicate expectations clearly, invite our teens into the process, and remain engaged without controlling, we create an environment where teens can thrive.
Ultimately, the goal is not perfect compliance or flawless outcomes. The goal is to raise teens who understand expectations, know how to meet them, and believe they are capable of doing so. It is to raise young adults who can navigate responsibilities, communicate effectively, and take ownership of their choices. That journey begins with a conversation—one where expectations are spoken, plans are discussed, and growth is encouraged.
Let’s start there.