A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone. (Unkown).
I remember hearing the advice “pick your battles” from other mothers many times over the years, and back then, I thought I understood what it meant. But if I could go back and rephrase it for myself, I’d say, “Pick your battles, but first view the situation from your teen’s perspective.” This small change has made a world of difference in how I approach disagreements or confrontations with my teen. If I decide what’s worth addressing only based on my needs or frustrations, then the tone, words, and overall experience feel drastically different than if I first try to see the situation through their eyes. Stopping to ask myself what my real end goal is has changed how I approach these situations. Is nagging worth it? Will confrontation lead to the outcome I’m hoping for? Often, the answer is no, and I’ve found that there are ways to approach issues without creating unnecessary battles.
It’s so easy as parents to agonize over things that, in the end, don’t really matter. Not everything is worth a heated discussion, and not every misstep or annoyance requires intervention. For me, the focus is on preserving my calm, fostering open communication, and maintaining a relationship with my teen that’s built on trust rather than tension. Of course, I don’t succeed at this every single time—there are moments when I’ve spun into anger, raised my voice, or said things that, in hindsight, could have been handled better. When that happens, I try to stop, reflect, and, if needed, apologize. What I’ve learned is that these small steps back create a path forward, showing that even as adults, we’re still learning and growing. Ultimately, it brings about a resolution without resentment, and it creates a space where both my teen and I feel like we’re working together.
When my teen leaves the kitchen a mess after making a snack, with dishes in the sink and food left out on the counters, it’s frustrating. My immediate reaction might be to get upset and scold them for being inconsiderate. But I’ve realized that I need to be specific in communicating my expectations and avoid that snap reaction. Instead, I’ll point out how it feels to come into the kitchen and find a mess waiting for me, explaining that I expect them to clean up after cooking. It’s about setting a clear boundary and deciding together what happens if they don’t meet it. Having a pre-set understanding of consequences makes these conversations much smoother. The expectation has already been shared, so if it’s not met, there’s no need for nagging or anger. Instead, it’s about a follow-through that respects the agreement we made together.
Giving teens grace is just as important as setting expectations. Life gets chaotic, and sometimes they’re dealing with far more than we realize. If I know my teen is stressed out over a major project or struggling with an overload of homework, I might choose to let a few things slide. Maybe I’ll take out the garbage for them or handle another chore they’re typically responsible for. After all, the point of chores and household responsibilities is to teach accountability, not to punish them during times when they’re already struggling. And by demonstrating that understanding, I’m showing them that flexibility and empathy go both ways. When we give a little leeway, they often return that same understanding when we need it.
At the end of the day, my goal is to build a trusting, positive relationship with my teen. I want them to feel that home is a place where they can learn and practice life skills without constant criticism or judgment. My role isn’t just to enforce rules; it’s also to model the patience, kindness, and flexibility that I hope they carry with them into adulthood. And sometimes, picking my battles means taking a step back and allowing them to learn from their own experiences rather than dictating every outcome. This not only gives them space to grow but also helps me be a more patient and present parent.
As parents, we’re constantly reminded of the importance of setting boundaries, and it’s true that rules are necessary to guide teens toward independence. But too often, we overlook the power of empathy and the positive impact of allowing our teens to share in the decision-making process. When we involve them in these discussions, asking what they think would be a fair way to handle responsibilities, it shows respect for their opinions and gives them a sense of ownership. They become more invested in meeting those expectations because they’ve had a say in setting them. This approach reduces the need for nagging because there’s a mutual understanding and, hopefully, more willingness on their part to meet the standard we’ve set together.
It’s also helpful to recognize that our teens are still learning to juggle priorities, and sometimes what we see as a lack of responsibility is really just part of their growth. If they forget to do a chore because they were focused on a project or engrossed in studying for an important test, it’s okay to let it go every now and then. It’s less about the chore itself and more about understanding their perspective. Giving grace during these moments can build their trust in us, as they see that we’re willing to support them when they’re genuinely trying to keep up with their responsibilities. And they learn to prioritize effectively when they aren’t constantly feeling under pressure to do everything perfectly.
Being a parent is also about showing them how to respond when life throws unexpected curveballs. On some days, even our plans as parents fall apart—we forget to pick something up, or we’re late for an appointment. Having a “life happens” attitude with our teens not only teaches them resilience but also makes them more forgiving when things don’t go as planned. They learn that it’s okay to ask for help, to take a breath when things get overwhelming, and to find a way to bounce back from setbacks. This mutual understanding—that we’re all learning, growing, and doing our best—makes a big difference in how they approach their own challenges.
Every day with a teen is a lesson in patience and perspective. The key is to step back and look at the big picture. Is this disagreement or annoyance something that truly matters in the long run? Will holding on to a moment of frustration strengthen or weaken the relationship I’m trying to build? Often, choosing our battles wisely is more about us as parents than about our teens. It’s about controlling our own reactions and reminding ourselves of the end goal: raising a capable, confident young adult who trusts us and feels trusted in return. These moments of choosing patience over frustration add up, helping our teens see that they can come to us without fear of judgment or anger.
Teens notice more than we realize. Even when it seems like they’re not paying attention, they’re absorbing our attitudes and reactions. Our approach to these situations is laying the groundwork for how they will deal with their own conflicts, stresses, and responsibilities. If they see us handle challenges with calmness and kindness, they’re more likely to do the same. It’s rewarding to watch them begin to mimic those behaviors, to see the fruits of our patience and understanding reflected in how they treat others and handle their own setbacks.
The journey of parenting a teen is full of unexpected moments and lessons for both parent and child. Picking our battles, extending grace, and focusing on building a relationship based on mutual respect allows us to make this journey smoother and more meaningful. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present, being flexible, and being willing to learn alongside them. When we approach each moment with empathy and an open mind, we create a foundation that lasts far beyond these teen years. It’s a foundation that gives them the tools they need to navigate life’s ups and downs, knowing they have a parent who believes in them, supports them, and is always there to listen.
Choosing not to nag, to see things from their perspective, and to create a home environment where mistakes are okay and learning is valued doesn’t mean letting go of our values or expectations. Instead, it’s about setting the stage for a relationship that grows deeper with time, one where they feel safe to express themselves and confident in the knowledge that they are understood. And when they eventually venture into the world as adults, we can feel confident that they’re carrying with them the lessons we worked so hard to instill—not because we told them, but because we showed them every day in the way we parented.