All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. (Charles M. Schulz)
One of the favorite things I enjoy with my teenagers is going out to eat. I will be honest it
was not always their favorite spot. Sometimes, it was a new place they had decided on. Other
times it was grabbing sandwiches from their favorite deli and eating them on a park bench.
Anyway you look at it, food is a great opportunity to share time together. As adults, we have
lunch dates, dinner dates and it is a time for conversation where we catch up with friends, enjoy
laughter and build our relationship with that person. It is important to spend time with those that
we love and create memories that will last a lifetime. Having dinner with our teenager is a great
time for all of us to unwind. I often think of dinner conversations as fun conversations. If we are
at a restaurant or on a park bench I do not want the conversation to become “fierce” and
discuss topics that may become emotional and upset my teen, or make them never want to go
out to eat with me again. I like the eating out conversation to be fun, light and filled with a few
laughs.
I focus the conversation on the food. If they liked something or did not like something.
Would or should we try to repeat a dish at home, or perhaps it is never ever will I eat that again.
It is all part of the fun of the evening. We often discuss places we would like to travel or food we
would like to try. It is about creating and building trust and relationships. It is letting your teen
know you want to hear about their dreams and thoughts for their life. This is not the time to give
them reality, I have done that and realized that is not at all what my intent was. I need to remind
myself that I want to spend time with my teen, hearing about them and what is going on in their
world.
If the food conversation drags, I ask what made them laugh or smile in the past week. I
really want to focus on positive vibes. However, if your teenager brings up a topic that is intense
and they want to talk about it. Take a deep breath and dive in. It is important to let your teenager
drive the conversation to feel comfortable in picking a topic and discussing it with you. As a
parent if you feel off guard or not ready to dig into that conversation right then and there, say
that. Share that you need to think on what your teenager has just shared and you would like to
revisit the conversation the next day.
At one of our dinners, my daughter told me she no longer wanted to take piano lessons,
to what seemed out of the blue. I totally messed it up and told her no. I did not listen to her
reasoning, I just thought what a crazy idea. It ruined the whole dinner out and it took awhile
before she agreed to have dinner with me. I went back, apologized to her and listened to why
she no longer wanted to have lessons. Why I did not do that in the first place, was based on an
emotional reaction. In the end she did stop taking lessons and everyone survived. I know we
have all read the 5 minute rule. If it is not going to matter in 5 years from now, do not spend
more than five minutes on the topic. If I had done that, listened for 5 minutes and realized in 5
years it would not matter, it would have been easy to let her stop taking piano lessons, but I
didn’t . So this is just a cautionary tale to remind you that some meals need to be fun, light
hearted but if a tough topic comes up, be ready, be able to pause and remember the most
important lesson is that you want to have a relationship with your teen at the end of the dinner.