Trust is like a vase…once it is broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be
the same. (Walter Anderson).
Trust is having confidence, faith, or hope in an individual. It is believing they will
follow through on what they have said they are going to do. Trust is what all human
relationships are built around. Without trust, a relationship will not grow and the
relationship fails. Trust is something that is earned in a relationship and allows for
the relationship to grow.
Earning trust is based on competence, reliability, integrity, and
communication. Competence refers to having the knowledge and skills to complete
a task. It is having honorable intentions and by demonstrating competence you
gain an individual’s trust.
Reliability is the act of following through on what you said, to be dependable. By
demonstrating to another human being that you are reliable, you are expressing
your value in them by being dependable. Integrity is honesty. It is doing the right
thing and adhering to a set of principles. Communication is how we demonstrate
trust. Open honest communication demonstrates trust in a relationship.
Communication has to be intentional, every time we engage in communication we
can decide to build the relationship with positive communication or break down the
relationship by negative communication. To build trust it is important to be building
positive honest communication interactions. This is so important when trust is
tested in a relationship.
Think of the movie, Dirty Dancing, and Baby asks her father for money for
Penny. The trust in that relationship was high, and her father gave her the money
without a lot of questions. Then, again the trust was high as Baby had her dad
check on Penny when she returned from the doctor. After that scene, trust has
decreased dramatically, and because communication did not demonstrate integrity,
honesty, competence or reliability the relationship needed to be rebuilt. Trust had
to be “earned” again. Not just in the movies, but in everyday life, trust fluctuates on
a continuum and at times in a relationship one individual may “burn up” some of
that trust and the relationship may have a road bump.
Parenting often sees this oscillation of trust between teenager and parent.
The key to trust is to minimize the times that as a parent we have to expend our
trust with our teenager. Those moments, when the easy answer is “because I said
so”, are the moments that a parent needs to pause and realize that a better answer
is in order. It is at that moment when as a parent we take the easy answer that
trust melts away from the relationship. It takes time to explain the reason behind a
choice made as a parent. It is remembering that parents have to demonstrate the
competence, reliability, integrity, and communication that builds trust. It is the
responsibility of a parent to demonstrate building trust and then expect your
teenager to do the same. If our answer is “because I said so” it is not reasonable to
expect the teenager to divulge information or greater details of a situation as the
level of trust in the relationship is not high. Communication has to be open and
allow for the trust to be built. Again, in Dirty Dancing, when Baby and her father
have the open dialogue at the lake, you see that trust growing and being
established between the two characters. This opportunity for open communication
was possible because of the trust, though minimal, still existed in their relationship
and this trust fostered their commitment to want to work on their relationship.
Teenagers today face many opposing views and now more than ever need to
have that trusting relationship with their parents. Creating this trust and building a
relationship with your teenager requires the ability of a parent to discipline with
love, mentor with authority, and love unconditionally. It is understanding that the
teenage brain is changing and growing, that critical thinking skills and high-order
cognition is developing, and that sometimes poor choices are made in the light of
their inability to understand the long term consequences of their behavior.
However, by developing trust in the relationship, as a parent you are more likely to
hear about the bad choice and can intervene at an earlier stage. Trust allows for
the dynamic communication between teenager and adult, so that encouragement
and guidance can help facilitate their development into adulthood.
Trust establishes the bond of a relationship that allows for fierce conversations.
Trust fosters the conversation and the conversation is the relationship. Without
conversation the relationship dissipates. I encourage you to take the time to build
trust in the relationship and to continue to grow trust on a continual basis in
relationships.